the lies we tell ourselves

i spent my morning cleaning out the back room of the office. it smells like piss. everything was covered in dust. and piled haphazardly. but it's clean now. i even found a hammer and hung the pictures that were lying on the floor in the corner.

devon came over last night and watched memento with me. things felt weird. they always do before i become friends with a male though. there is always this looming sexual tension that just makes my skin crawl. which is perhaps why i am most comofortable around gay males. there is no sexual tension. and i feel free to relax. as soon as there is even a hint that someone might be interested in me, i go into full retreat. i hate it.

my mother and younger sister are coming up tonight to bring me a dining room table and my new desk chair.

i've been feeling kind of funny lately. well, for awhile now. i get up each day, go to work, come home, sit around, and wonder "is this all there is to life?". and i'm lonely. i'm lonely even when i'm with other people. and i can't describe it.

my life just feels empty most of the time. i don't feel that anything i do matters. and i wonder where my past idealism went. i wonder when this apathy fell upon me with such force. it's strange not to care enough to do anything, but to still obsess over the lack of action.

i need something to shake me up i guess. i've been playing it safe for such a long time. i've taken no real risks. i've become obsessed with security and stability. to the point that is has turned me into a person that i don't want to be. and it's all a lie. i am even more insecure and less stable because of that obsession.

*sarah*