Must be karmic retribution

I started my morning off right. By crying. And crying and crying and crying.

So yeah. I didn't get the job.

I talked to the police captain and found out why. He said that I was a very strong candidate and that they were very interested in me, but my work history was really what did me in. Even though everyone had nice things to say about me, the sheer number of jobs that I have had indicates "instability".

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!

I called my parents. I called my other parents (i.e. Christy's parents). I called David. He got his third call that began with me crying. The first was over a year ago about a silly boy thing. The second was when I had a breakdown this fall. Now this one.

I wanted to explain things, but I knew that it was already too late. But the biting irony did not escape me.

The thing that I have consistently wanted more than anything for the last two years is godamn fucking stability. And for the first fucking time in my life, I knew what I wanted. And years of not knowing what I wanted (constantly changing jobs) is what lost me this.

My life is a big question mark again. And so many things went away with that possibility. Financial stability, a trip to see my best friend in Boston after a whole year apart, knowing what I would be doing for the next few years, being settled...

I just feel exhausted. I'm so tired of things not working out. So fucking tired.

I don't know how much more life-turmoil I can take. Leaving home for the second time was difficult. Leaving the job that I loved was difficult. Starting a job that sent me home crying after one day, staying for five months of misery, having a breakdown, and quitting the job was hard. The car accident. Financial instability, living paycheck to paycheck (barely), temp work, friends fighting, nosebleeds, boy drama, anxiety, depression, uncertainty.

I broke my own rule and smoked cigarettes in my bedroom. And after I calmed down, I made a few more calls, left brief messages, and now I'm here.

Had I written this two hours ago, it would have be unintelligible.

I don't want to talk about it anymore. And that's the next part. Friends and relatives and everyone asking how it turned out. My aunt and uncle today. My grandparents tomorrow. Having to hash this all out with my parents tonight.

So I've begun hardening myself. As I always do after a blow. I will not cry again. I only do that once. I am done.

*Sarah*