My psychological profile
A lot of stuff came out. I just started talking, and couldn't stop myself after awhile.
Big Problem #1: I don't know what to do with my life. Ultimately, this is what has lead up to the recent depression and bouts of rather manic activity.
I have never discovered that one thing that I love. I don't really feel passionate about anything.
I really have absolutely no idea.
Big Problem #2: Underlying almost everything I do is the desire to please my parents.
I don't know if I ever really wanted to go to college. It was never something that I even allowed myself to contemplate. In my family, there was no option, you go to college.
I don't know what line of work, or path in life would make me the happiest. But I have always gone the path leading to a college degree and a professional (white collar) career.
The desire for my parent's approval seems to have thwarted my own ambition. It has kept me from discovering what I want.
Big Problem #3: Everything has come too easy for me. I've lost the value of hard work.
I have always done the bare minimum necessary to get by. Luckily, for me, my bare minimum is usually way above average.
I have not had to try hard at anything for as long as I can remember. I never worked hard in high school. I certainly never did in college. And somehow, I still got A's, made the Dean's list, graduated with Phi Beta Kappa, was an honors student, studied abroad, got scholarships, and was inducted into several honors societies.
And I really did nothing. I didn't finish one semester on time after my freshman year. I took almost a year to complete my classes once they ended. I lied and manipulated and took advantage of people's sympathy. And it worked. I got extensions, I got incompletes, I only had to write half of the final paper, I took final exams as take-home exams ("I trust you not to open your book"), I never lost attendance points (even after skipping tow months of class in a row), and my academic record shows none of this.
There isn't one thing in recent memory that I can actually recall working hard for. Nothing that I have actually tried at.
I'm not bragging. In fact, it's really embarassing. Having no work ethic is certainly not something to be proud of.
And why haven't I worked hard at anything in my life? Well...
Big Problem #4: Perfectionism/Fear of failure.
I've become convinced that not trying is better than trying and failing. I've built up failure as the worst thing that could ever happen to someone.
If you don't try and you fail, no pride is lost.
There's also the fucked up mentality of "if you are not going to do something right, don't do it at all". I have no C's on my transcript. The lowest grade is a B. I didn't do bad work in school. I would rather not hand in anything than hand in something terrible.
It has to be brilliant, or you get nothing at all. (blah blah, all or nothing thinking, blah blah...)
Conclusion: I need to let go. I need to let myself be wrong sometimes. I need to confront my fear. And mostly, I need to figure out what it is that I want. And if I find that what I want is less than what my parents (or anyone else) wanted for me, I need to let go of my pride and just go with it.
Easier said than done, right?
*Sarah*
