Paperback Cheese Novel
Dripping with melted cheeses...

Cutty Cookers

2004-04-18
Lots of thoughts are floating around in my head but I don't feel that I can accurately relate them so instead I will attempt to recap my weekend.

Thursday:
Went down to AV and met up with Anne for a few drinks. Ended up staying out WAY too late and having WAY too much to drink. Got off on the wrong floor in the elevator but finally made it home and into my bed.

Friday:
Anne and I went out on Friday night and got drunker than we have been in ages. We started with drinks at my place and then took a cab into Uptown where we had a few drinks at the bar and then a pitcher of Sangria at a table. Jaime came out for a few hours but was a bit too sober to appreciate the, uh, brilliance of our conversation and behavior and left.

Attempting to hail a cab was disastrous. We stood (teetering drunk in strappy summer heels) on the curb alternately running from the sidewalk into the street and back again as numerous taxis drove by us. The valet was laughing at us (probably unsure of what we were trying to do) and finally came over and asked us if we needed something. Anne told him that we "just want a fucking taxi" which he hailed for us. We spent 15 minutes negotiating with the driver about accepting credit cards and finally got in. Anne started laughing hysterically and snorting in the back of the cab which started me laughing and slumping down in the seat. The driver was not amused. We finally get back to my place and realize that Anne had cash the whole time.

Drinking and dialing ensued. We played a little game whereby she picked a number from her phone that I had to call (not knowing who it was) and make conversation and then I gave her a number to call. This continued for another hour or so. Numerous sloppy drunk swearing giggling voicemails were left. We then spent 20 minutes unsucessfully trying to find a pizza place that was open and eventually passed out around 4:30 a.m.

Saturday:
David called at 9:00 a.m. to see if I was up and ready to go (which I was not). We drove well over 4 hours to Madison. We met up with my sister, went shopping, walked around, had dinner and then David went to his lecture and to a concert. My sister and I went to see a cheesy teen movie (I will preserve some shred of dignity by not admitting which one) and then met up with David again.

Sunday:
Left Madison at 9:00 a.m. and drove back to the cities. Picked up Julie from the airport and hung out for a bit. I'm trying to decide what to do with the remainder of my day.

~*~

Some part of me is becoming increasingly frustrated with my 9-5 life, the embrace of material possessions and the comfort of "homemaking". I find myself thinking about selling my Prada and Gucci, taking on a second job to get out of debt as quickly as possible, quitting my legitimate jobs and travelling the country like a gypsey.

The weather has been beautiful lately. I would like to say that I have been loving it and spending my afternoons walking among the newly green grass and budding trees, taking in the smells of spring, listening to the birds chirping and feeling connected to the earth. I would like to be that person, and at times, I have been, but I do not feel it now. I watch the people who have been itching to get out all winter, heading in droves to the lakes, moving in packs down the bike paths, and I feel only the desire to return to my apartment to sit in front of the television watching hours of the style network. I don't like this but I don't know how to change my current desires.

I was thinking this weekend about how my most profound aspirations in life when I was a child had to do with being intelligent. I wanted to be terribly well read. I hoped to become a scholar or an expert or contribute something profound to the study of something or other. I was enchanted by academia and wisdom and the lifelong pursuit of knowledge and education. I saw myself having dinner with equally intelligent friends, drinking red wine and discussing social theory, politics or the impact of technology.

In sharp contrast I was ashamed to realize that my desire for brains has been replaced by a desire for beauty. Not just physical beauty, but beauty nonetheless. My old desire to be able to identify a passage of poetry just by its style has been replaced by a desire to be able to identify a designer bag by its style. This was a bit of a shocking revelation and has left me feeling moderately ashamed of myself and who I have become.

I feel as though I have forsaken many of the things that I aspired to be and to do. Some of them were brushed off as being idealistic or young or naive, yet others were simply forgotten or ignored. I feel like I lost the faith which leads to the one true conclusion I have made in my life; I want to believe. I want to believe in what I'm doing, in the way I affect and am affected by the world, in humanity and justice and all of those ideals that I used to hold close to my heart. I feel like a disbeliever, a skeptic and a cynic these days and it doesn't feel good.

I guess I just want to find who I am again. I'm not so sure anymore. Maybe I'm fooling myself to think that I ever knew, and I suppose that I didn't, but I feel like I at least had a better idea.

~*~

I found out that my work crush has a live-in girlfriend who has a child from a previous boyfriend. I thought this would instantly cure me but there is some lingering interest still. I would never act on it but I do still enjoy that nervous feeling when he talks to me and that silly giddiness in my stomach when he smiles at me.

~*~

On the drive back from Madison today I had the unpleasant experience of watching a small child lean out of the window of a truck in the McDonald's parking lot and repeatedly projectile vomit out the window. The mental image has stayed with me. I thought I should share it.

*Sarah*

6:07 p.m. ::
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6:07 p.m. ::
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